My mind. My spark. My motivation. My grip. My focus. My desire. My will. My patience. My tolerance. My reason. My passion. My compassion. My interest. My love.
You name it, it’s slipping. How do I get it back? Should I just let it go? Do I have a choice? Do I have any say in the matter?
I don’t know what’s been happening to me lately. Not to me, with me, within me. I’m losing it, and in a way, it feels kinda good.
I know I’ve written variations on this theme a hundred times, and you’re probably tired of hearing about it. And you know what, I could care less. “That’s improper English.”, you might say, “It should be, I couldn’t care less.” But I could care less. I still care a little, and as long as I do, I suppose, there’s hope.
I care less than I used to, and ironically, it’s a good thing. I think I’ve always cared too much about the wrong things; what others think of me, making everyone happy, avoiding conflict, tolerance at the expense of inner peace.
Tolerance at the expense of inner peace. Shouldn’t the tolerant spirit bring inner peace? Shouldn’t love be unconditional? Will tolerating someone stabbing you in the face with splintered kindling bring you inner peace? Will unconditionally loving this person bring you closer to bliss? If so, you’re a purer soul than I, and you’re a f***ing dumbass.
I’ve seen the pattern drawing itself out for years; bad behavior justified by previous good deeds. I should just take the bad with the good. After all, the same would be done for me. After all, that’s what love is. After all, after all, after all…
I’m a teacher, so here’s an example, something to make it relatable. Invariably, on every day, in every class, whenever there was work to be done, my tolerance was tested. Some students would finish the work quickly, so quickly as to make me question their effort. Then, they would start misbehaving; distracting the other students and otherwise being disruptive.
I would approach them to try and correct their behavior, and 95 times out of 100, I would get a variation of this response. “What? I got my work done!”
My point; even though you think your work is done, your work isn’t done. It should continue even when you think you’re finished. Your work is never done.
I must be getting old. My tolerance for these patterns has shown itself to be rapidly diminishing.
I came up with a new program for relationships, just because I like playing around with acronyms, but I don’t even know if I believe in it anymore.
- P- patience
- H- honesty
- U- understanding
- C- compassion
- K- kindness
There are a lot of similarities to the CLUNT system I mentioned before. Here’s the corresponding link.
CLUNT is more action based, PHUCK is trait based.
This is a writing blog. Everything I write has to do with writing, not only because it is writing, but it explains what goes into my writing.
I hope I don’t completely lose any of the things I mentioned above. Regardless, I take full responsibility, and hold myself fully accountable, for whatever I become. This may have me thought an asshole, a princess, a coward, or any number of lazy, ignorant labels.
When I strip it all away, I’m left with only the H. Hammond. Halteres. Honesty; militant, rabid honestly. I can’t escape. One of the worst things I was ever heard as a child was the truth never hurts. Wrong.
The truth almost always hurts.
I hope I didn’t scare you away. Please come visit again, but right now, don’t bother me. I tolerating a book.
In the meantime, an analogy….